Today started out so strong. I had a perfect morning. I decided to join BODi (used to be Beachbody). I feel like I've plateaued with Barre, and BODi is less expensive, and I can do it when I want. A friend of mine is a coach. And, I signed up with Brendan Berchard's Growthday. So my day started out with journaling, a Growthday "daily fire", a workout, and meditation. I had a protein shake, got ready, and even made it to work on time. I was feeling great, and the first half of the day, I was in the zone. But as the day wore on, it started to suck my soul. By the end of the day I was on empty, and feeling angry. My coworker next door is a complainer. She likes to talk about how she works harder than everyone else and points out what others are doing wrong. I hate this so much. I left feeling very angry. I was ruminating on this person. 

I called her, "What happened, are you okay?" She sniffed and sobbed, "Someone took a picture of my body and put it on social media and now everyone is talking about it." 

I thought maybe she was sick, but then yesterday she didn't want to get out of bed again. But later in the day, she was at school sounding chipper. She said she was out of her medication. She doesn't sleep well without it and has not had a good night's sleep in a few days. I have been telling her she needs to call the doctor and make an appointment for weeks, but she has been putting it off, and now it is a crisis. I get it, adulting is hard. It's scary to call the doctor and make yourself an appointment the first time. She finally did it, but called me back and said the next appointment wasn't available until February. I asked her if she told them she was out of medication. "I don't know what to say, Mom, can you just call and do it for me? You can pretend to be me!". Oh, bother. I ended up calling, getting transferred 4 times, got put on hold for 20 minutes, and had to go to the pharmacy twice.  It dumped 6 inches of snow today. Work closed a couple of hours early, there was a 12-car pileup that closed the freeway down, the roads are crap, and it's 17 degrees out. So getting to the pharmacy felt like risking my life. But in the end, I succeeded. She's right, adulting is a pain in the ass. But in the end, I succeeded. She's right, adulting is a pain in the ass. 

I was sleeping beautifully up until recently. Now I wake up somewhere between 12-2, and lay in bed worrying about all the things that could possibly happen, or the future. I try to commit to memory what I think I need to remember, or else the world will spin out of control. I know I am being ridiculous, but it is so hard to get my body and mind to settle down. Then I start to worry about being tired the next day, which is counterproductive because then I am losing sleep over not sleeping. I can't even blame the cat now. 

I usually get up at 4, but that last half hour is precious and needed. Casper will meow at the door relentlessly until I get up. He does not just want to come in and cuddle, he will hop on me and meow and headbutt me if I let him in. Getting up and filling his food bowl used to work, but no more. Now he is not happy unless I get up. Then he promptly ignores me. I was brainstorming solutions to this. I could shut him in the basement, but that requires me to get up anyway, and feels kind of mean. Then I had a eureka- a squirt gun. I'll peep out the door and squirt him one. It's for the greater good people.

The little monster is actually not that hard to beat. If you can make it through the first 7-10 days, you are past the physical withdrawal. It is the big monster that you have to beat. The big monster is your mind.

I'm the type of person who is always looking for ways to change and improve. In the past three years, I have started a business, gotten a school certificate, and started two new jobs. Completed big craft and household projects, made new friends, and joined new groups. Learned to be a runner, and joined Barre classes. Read endless self-help books and articles.

I get it, we’re all trying to support ourselves. But it seems like there should be something free or low-cost? I know there is. AA for one. I am just so darn resistant to that.

Before birthdays and Thanksgiving, I thought ahead and visualized what the day would look like, and made a firm decision not to drink. This time, I just thought I had that part down. Apparently not.